...and I might be drowning!
The past week has been full of emotions that I didn't even know that I even HAD the capability to feel. I'll try to sort through them here, and give a shout-out to everyone that deserves one....but I'm throwing a disclaimer in here: I'm totally unable to focus. This may not really be coherent!
First things first - the paperwork. I might just be treading water here. When we started letting our friends know that we were even discerning adoption, someone called it a "paper pregnancy." How true those words are! We're just getting started, and I feel like I've signed a house mortgage now at least 3 times. The vast amount of paperwork is just completely amazing. Also, we've come to realize that we're kind of in a demographic that doesn't seem to be very common. As we go through the paperwork, and physician visits, and essay question after essay question about the quality of our childhood and/or marriage, we've come to realize that fertile couples of childbearing age are apparently not very common in this whole adoption thing. It makes some of the questions a bit difficult to answer, to be totally honest. I was not expecting this. Shout-out for this note: my wonderful husband. He's the one keeping all of our paperwork together, our to-do list being slowly accomplished, and phone calls straight. I guess he really IS an organized person! ;-)
Secondly - excitement and anxiety. Again, this is more like a pregnancy than I ever expected. I can't control so many factors. All I can do is keep things together on my end and follow the rules....and keep praying. Papers get turned in, phone calls get made, and I have no control over what happens from that point on. For a type "A" personality like myself, this is quite a difficult position to be in. Every day, I'm reminded of each of my past pregnancies. All I could do was take my vitamins, eat healthy, and try to stay active....everything else was completely out of my control. It's very similar here. Everything could still fall through, at any point, and it's not something that I decide. Again (like during our pregnancies, especially since they were all after a miscarriage), I'm finding myself having to turn to God in prayer and just lay it all down at His feet. It's a very humbling experience.
Thirdly - incredibly appreciation and gratitude for those in our lives. To be honest, I expected our close friends and immediate family to be excited for us, and supportive. They have not disappointed me! However, what I was NOT expecting was the outpouring of love, joy, and support (in so many ways - financial, with fundraising items, words of encouragement) from people I hardly knew, and in some cases, people that I didn't know at all. I can't even begin to count the number of "friends-of-a-friend" who have contacted me already (it's only been three days!!) with offers of items for our auction, or links to different resource pages, or just emails of encouragement. Our little boy is already being surrounded by a global village who is just overflowing with love and support for him. I keep finding myself swallowed up with joyful tears, with abundant gratitude, and most surprisingly for me: I'm speechless. I'm not often speechless. Everyone who knows me in real life, knows that my nickname growing up was "Motor Mouth." I don't usually have a problem with finding words: in fact, it's usually the opposite. I have a problem with staying quiet! This week, however, I've been so incredibly overwhelmed by the support of our extended community that I honestly cannot find the right words to express my gratitude. Please just know that even though I may not be saying much, my heart is shouting out a resounding "Thank you!" to everyone who contacts us. Consider this your shout-out. ;-)
And then there's the logistics. I have to go crib shopping, and relatively soon (his room has to be set up and complete by the time of our final home study, so in the next three months). I need to figure out which room will be Peter's, and how we're going to make that happen. I'm guessing I'm going to have to give up my much-loved school room and give that to Peter. While I can definitely do that, it's a bit bittersweet. And overwhelming. Cribs. Little boy bedding. Little boy toys. I don't have any of that anymore (I gave away most of our things when we moved). I don't even know where the baby stores ARE here!
Last, but definitely not least, the fear of being inadequate. We still have a long road ahead of us. There are many more pieces of paper, many more interviews, a huge travel requirement (eek, I'm so not a fan of planes! I keep reminding myself that I did just fine going to Madrid this summer...and that I can do this, too...), and the scariest part of all: the money. I'm terrified that we won't be able to fulfill the financial component, and that our Peter will continue to sit in a hospital, waiting for us. Why would they find a foster family for him, or a residential bed, when he's got a forever family to come home to and another child does not yet? I can't bear the thought that he might sit there, in a hospital crib, waiting for his Mom and Dad....and we might not be able to come get him. I'm so scared that we won't be able to hold up our end of the "deal" in a timely matter. I know that everyone out there is willing to help us get to that point...but what if it isn't enough? What if even our best efforts aren't good enough? I'm already in love with this little boy....I can't stand the thought of not getting to hold him a year from now (our goal).
I have to trust.
I have to pray.
I have to lean on you guys.