Wednesday, May 8, 2013

On Growing Weary...

I've been avoiding the blog again.   Sorry, folks.  It's not that I don't WANT to blog or talk to's just that I'm tired.

I'm tired of waiting.

I'm tired of praying for news.

I'm tired of playing email-tag.

I'm tired of the rush-rush-rush to fill out one more form (that we already filled out months ago).

I'm tired of wondering just when our little boy is going to be in my arms.

I'm tired of trying to answer the question "When do you go get him?"

I'm just tired.   And so I don't blog.  I don't talk about him.  I don't talk about where we are in the process.  I don't give out updates.  I'm emotionally exhausted.

It's been 17 months now since we first committed to this process.   SEVENTEEN MONTHS.   That's a long time, y'all.   We knew going into it that it could take this long......what I didn't know was how much of a toll this waiting process was going to take on us.

The emotional roller coaster of moving forward a step.....and then back two.....then forward again.....then standing's exhausting.   

Every week, I wake up thinking, "Maybe this is it - maybe this is the week that we get matched to him!"

And then it doesn't happen and the crash at the end of the week is torture.

We get little glimmers of hope:  

"He's still available for adoption and the agency is officially recommending your family."

(That was last week's email)

Then nothing.

More silence.

More questions to answer with answers that I don't have.

And I don't feel comfortable talking about any of this with anyone.   Those who aren't adopting have a hard time understanding just what the process is even like.  Our friends who are adopting are struggling with the same thing, and their children are often in horrible situations - overcrowded orphanages where their child never leaves his/her crib.   They don't need to hear it from me, too, when it's already playing on repeat in their own minds.  Peter's in a good place - he's being well cared for.   He's receiving wonderful medical care and treatment.   How could I be so incredibly inconsiderate to complain about MY situation when Peter's in a good place....and they're dealing with the same emotional roller coaster and mound of paperwork and stress and they don't have the reassurance that their child is being well-cared for?

And so I don't say anything.  And I don't blog.  I just keep trying to help their fundraising efforts, be there to listen to them cry and stress, keep praying for their children every night.

I don't tell anyone about the stress of finding child care when our trip comes.   I don't tell anyone about the stress of timing - how I want to go as soon as possible to pick him up, but worry about the cost if we travel in the summer vs the winter as we originally thought we would be.  (Plane tickets are twice the cost if we travel this summer.....and that's a lot of money).  

I try to hold on to the little glimmers of hope.  The fact that he's available.  The fact that our referral is awaiting official approval by the government and could come any day.

I try to push through the days like today, where all I want to do is go back to bed and cry because I'm just so tired of waiting.   

I just keep plugging along....trying to focus on the positives.

It's just so tiring.

I'm weary.