Wednesday, May 8, 2013

On Growing Weary...

I've been avoiding the blog again.   Sorry, folks.  It's not that I don't WANT to blog or talk to's just that I'm tired.

I'm tired of waiting.

I'm tired of praying for news.

I'm tired of playing email-tag.

I'm tired of the rush-rush-rush to fill out one more form (that we already filled out months ago).

I'm tired of wondering just when our little boy is going to be in my arms.

I'm tired of trying to answer the question "When do you go get him?"

I'm just tired.   And so I don't blog.  I don't talk about him.  I don't talk about where we are in the process.  I don't give out updates.  I'm emotionally exhausted.

It's been 17 months now since we first committed to this process.   SEVENTEEN MONTHS.   That's a long time, y'all.   We knew going into it that it could take this long......what I didn't know was how much of a toll this waiting process was going to take on us.

The emotional roller coaster of moving forward a step.....and then back two.....then forward again.....then standing's exhausting.   

Every week, I wake up thinking, "Maybe this is it - maybe this is the week that we get matched to him!"

And then it doesn't happen and the crash at the end of the week is torture.

We get little glimmers of hope:  

"He's still available for adoption and the agency is officially recommending your family."

(That was last week's email)

Then nothing.

More silence.

More questions to answer with answers that I don't have.

And I don't feel comfortable talking about any of this with anyone.   Those who aren't adopting have a hard time understanding just what the process is even like.  Our friends who are adopting are struggling with the same thing, and their children are often in horrible situations - overcrowded orphanages where their child never leaves his/her crib.   They don't need to hear it from me, too, when it's already playing on repeat in their own minds.  Peter's in a good place - he's being well cared for.   He's receiving wonderful medical care and treatment.   How could I be so incredibly inconsiderate to complain about MY situation when Peter's in a good place....and they're dealing with the same emotional roller coaster and mound of paperwork and stress and they don't have the reassurance that their child is being well-cared for?

And so I don't say anything.  And I don't blog.  I just keep trying to help their fundraising efforts, be there to listen to them cry and stress, keep praying for their children every night.

I don't tell anyone about the stress of finding child care when our trip comes.   I don't tell anyone about the stress of timing - how I want to go as soon as possible to pick him up, but worry about the cost if we travel in the summer vs the winter as we originally thought we would be.  (Plane tickets are twice the cost if we travel this summer.....and that's a lot of money).  

I try to hold on to the little glimmers of hope.  The fact that he's available.  The fact that our referral is awaiting official approval by the government and could come any day.

I try to push through the days like today, where all I want to do is go back to bed and cry because I'm just so tired of waiting.   

I just keep plugging along....trying to focus on the positives.

It's just so tiring.

I'm weary.


  1. The waiting to adopt is an excruciating time of labor. I call Matthew our 4 year labor, 24 hour pregnancy. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute...hang in there.
    -Maureen in CT

  2. I am so sorry and know exactly how you are feeling. Somedays are just harder than others too but the waiting never gets easier. It is just so hard to long to hold your child in your arms. All I know for sure is that Peter is worth it all and needs you to keep fighting for him! Hang in there and feel free to email or I can give you my number and you can vent. I have had plenty of those days where I just want to lay in bed and cry because it is hard. Hang in there!

  3. Oh, hon. You are so beautifully honest. You have so much love for this little boy and for others' feelings. I will pray that the resolution and joy will come soon!

  4. Praying for you! I am glad you shared and I hope it is helpful for you too to just let it all out. We are just starting the adoption process and it is good to hear all the struggles and set backs. And we are already stressing a bit about childcare when we tarvel to China!

    I want to share a quote with you that has been floating around:
    "When you say YES to adoption, you are saying YES to enter the suffering of the orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM. I promise you, their suffering is worse than yours. We say YES to the tears, YES to the longing, YES to the maddening process, YES to the money, YES to hope, YES to the screaming frustration of it all, YES to going the distance through every unforeseen discouragement and delay. Do not imagine that something outside of "your perfect plan" means you heard God wrong. There is NO perfect adoption. EVERY adoption has snags. We Americans invented the "show me a sign" or "this is a sign" or "this must mean God is closing a door" or "God must not be in this because it is hard," but all that is garbage. You know what's hard? Being an orphan. They need us to be champions and heroes for them, fighting like hell to get them home. So we will. We may cry and rage and scream and wail in the process, but get them home we will."
    --Jen Hatmaker

    Praying for you to stay strong! (Also, listen to the song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North . . . many people have told me that that is exactly how they felt through the whole process)

  5. You do NOT Have to feel bad about whining or venting to those of us in the process with children in worse situations! I love you, and I am here for you, and if YOU need to vent call or text me. Please. It helps ME in MY process to be able to be a shoulder to cry on. It doesn't matter that he's not in an orphanage, he's still an orphan, and you are struggling in limbo. And that is OK!!! It's OK to hurt with a stupidly long and difficult process.

    Love you again. <3

  6. I don"t know what you"re going through, but know that you can vent as much as you want and that Peter is in my daily prayers

  7. I'm sorry. We're right there in it, too. I am tempted to not talk about it but then find it IS helpful to talk to trusted friends about the more personal emotions. I'll be praying for you. Nobody who is going thru the same thing should look down on you.

  8. I think about you so often, Heidi! I was so glad today to see on here that Peter was still available.

    This has been the longest adoption process we have been through. We started last January and are looking at travel for sometime in July.

    A couple of months ago, the Lord gave me this Scripture.........."He who has promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

    I will continue praying for you!!

    Felicia Smith (from the HK adopt yahoo group)

  9. Praying for you. The wait is brutal and yours has been worse than most.