Friday, March 2, 2012

A New Dream

It's interesting to me what kinds of conversations come up when people find out that we're adopting.  

Usually it starts with a comment along the lines of, "Oh you're finally getting your girl, huh?"

We smile, sometimes give a little giggle, and then explain that, no, actually, we're adopting another little boy.

They usually look at us a little confused for a moment, and don't know what to say.  Honestly, I hate that awkwardness, so I usually try to head it off by explaining that girls have a much better chance at finding a forever family, and since we already know and love raising boys, we're the perfect candidates for a little boy's forever family. 

Eventually the conversation ends up turning to the fact that we're adopting a special needs child, one with Down Syndrome.  The conversation usually ends up going one of two ways.  Either we get asked 1) why not adopt a special needs child domestically instead of from halfway around the world or 2) don't you realize that you're going to be a caregiver to this child for the rest of your life - you'll never be "free"?

I'll be totally honest here.  I'm not really sure how is the best way to handle these conversations.  Each one kind of lends itself to another awkward pause.  Maybe some of you out there who are either more tactful or more experienced (or both!) than me could leave some suggestions below.  I typically end up stumbling over my words, and never know just how much information to give out, or how much to keep in, and if I decide NOT to give full answers, how do I do that without seeming offensive or standoff-ish?   It seems like a catch-22:  Either I give the truthful answer and risk stepping on toes...or I try to evade - or condense - the truth and end up stepping on toes as I retreat from the conversation.   

We really feel called to adopting a child with Down Syndrome.  It's hard to explain that to someone, especially if they don't happen to be religious.  How do you explain - without seeming like a nutcase/Pollyanna type - that you just know that this is what you were meant to do?  That you felt that you were being called to this role, by God Himself?   It doesn't fit nicely into words.  And then how do you go from there - being called to adopt a DS child - to answer the question of why not domestic adoption.....without stepping right into the pro-life/pro-choice mess?  Adopting a DS child domestically isn't really an option, as over 90% of children with DS are aborted in our country.   It's a sticky question to try and answer without stepping on toes.  There has to be a non-offensive answer....I just haven't found it yet.

And then we move onto question #2.  This one is even harder for me, I'll be truthful.  I did struggle with the idea of physically caring for a child for the rest of my life, with a good chance of said child never leaving home or living on their own.  Yes, I know there is some chance that he will be able to live independently, but there is also an inherent chance that he won't be able to ever get to that point.  To give you a bit of background, Mike and I are both young.  We started our family when we were barely 23 years old, after being married at just barely 22 years old.  We're young.  We used to often joke about how "nice" it would be to be in our early 40s when the kids were leaving home for college.  We'd dream about traveling internationally again - without kids - in our 40s, while we were still quite young.   Accepting the fact that adopting a special needs child was going to have to change those dreams a bit (we can still travel...just most likely won't be alone) was a hard bridge for me to cross.    I'm a selfish person.  I think we all are, deep down, unless we're one of the Saints.   Our culture is one that breeds selfishness - always working to better ourselves without helping those around us.   That's the culture I was living in - and I was being called to turn around from it and walk against the current.  It was a hard call to answer in this regard, and I still don't know how to answer that question without seeming snarky or giving too much personal information.   It seems to simple (and snotty, honestly) to say "Yes, I realize and accept the future caring for a child with Down Syndrome," but the long answer, including my struggles coming to embrace that future, seems too personal in a casual conversation.  At the same time, though,  I don't want it to come out sounding too "happy-go-lucky" and implying that we haven't given it much thought, prayer, or discussion.  I would worry that a response like that would feel like I was "blowing off" the person's concern.

But the truth is that I haven't given up on any dreams - - they've just been adjusted to include this new, wonderful reality that we're walking into.  My dreams aren't being crushed...they're being expanded! 

Now how do I take all of this and condense it into short, socially appropriate answers?


 I'm SO not good at this kind of thing....

12 comments:

  1. you're way past good - you're Christlike!... so much better

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  2. Last summer I visited a place called Pathfinder Village with Andrea and a bunch of other Reece's Rainbow people. What I saw was amazing. People with Down Syndrome from age 16 to age 60, living, working, and having an amazing life in a community meant for people like them. What amazed me was the fact that all of these people were treated like the adults that they are!! They were given the independence they could handle, and the help they needed. And they were SO happy. In fact, the best party I went to all summer was at Pathfinder. These people loved their families, but they wanted the independence that came with growing older!!


    So, do people with DS need more support? Yes. But does that mean they'll live in the house forever? Who knows! Just like any other teenager, there might be a time when Zech wants to move out!!

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  3. I've been thinking about this all night.

    I'm not good in these situations either, BUT I think people NEED to know the abortion rate on these sweet babies. Peter will be a testimony to the joy of a DS life. It will start to resonate with people.

    I would "rehearse" answers to your common questions until you find a short, friendly one that works well for you.

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  4. Also, girls have a better chance of being adopted? Really? But isn't there WAY more of them?

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    1. I know, isn't it crazy? I was shocked to learn this, too. I think there are a few factors (totally hypothesizing now - I don't have any credentials other than mom/housewife/degree 10 years ago in anthropology..haha). I think boys are preferred in so many cultures, that adopting a boy carries a double stigma: one, that you can't provide your OWN son, biologically, and two, that you had to go outside of the family to find that son (so, basically a double "failure," if you will). I also think it's so much easier to dress a girl up and make her look cute, with bows and pigtails, etc - with boys, it's a lot harder to find ways to make them look cute and vulnerable, and it's also harder to find masculine adjectives that don't scare off a prospective adoptive parent. Boys are "rough and tumble," they're "tough," they're "energetic," and so on....if a prospective adoptive parent is already nervous about possibly getting a child with emotional "baggage" and emotional issues to work through...then masculine adjectives only enhance that worry. I can't tell you how many little boy profiles I've looked at where they've chosen adjectives that typically would describe a stereotypical feminine trait to describe the boy. Pay attention when you read them at word choice - a lot of boy photolistings take great pains to downplay the stereotype of an active little boy and instead play up what is typically seen as little girl traits. It's interesting.

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    2. That's really, really interesting. So, are there less girls to adopt because of it? I always wanted to adopt a girl because I figured there were so many more of them. But now that I have 4 girls, and will probably have more bio girls, I would consider both. I can't believe how much I've learned the past few weeks. Reece's Rainbow and all of you are changing my life. I've always, ALWAYS wanted to adopt, and being able to be a part of it all in even small ways warms my heart. Someday we will hopefully adopt. DH's job reimburses for adoption costs, so I'll have to look into that, too. :)

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  5. We have always wanted to give a child, who may otherwise never have the chance to live a normal life in a family setting, a place in our Family. Having the means to do so we began our journey. After a great deal of planning, prayer and discernment we are blessed to have found that child, his name is Peter :)

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  6. Heidi, do you have your boy's Christmas Tree ornament? If not I have one I can send to you!! email me at nobabynoblog at gmail dot com!

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    1. I don't have it! I'll shoot you an email in a few minutes. Thanks!

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  7. Thanks, guy, for the words of advice and support. I know I'll find an answer...I think I just need to work on my ability to deliver the answer, more than anything else!

    I want to also specify that I am not talking about really good friends here when I'm referring to conversations where these things come up! You guys can handle the long answer..haha...I'm comfortable enough with you guys to share personal thoughts/details/fears/thought processes/faith/etc. It's the strangers in the doctor's office as we're getting our physicals for the adoption paperwork. It's the notary at the bank (and the tellers next to her) asking the questions. It's those kind of conversations that leave me struggling the most.

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  8. Personally, I don't think strangers should be asking those personal of questions. So knowing me, if the first question was along the lines of, "oh you're adopting?" My answer would be something like, "yes we are thanks for asking." That type of response usually signals the end of the conversation.

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  9. Great post. I like hearing the way you handle it.

    Nikki
    www.madebynikki.blogspot.com - get your blog designed and support orphans with special needs in India!

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